And another thing!

It pisses me off that the fat, ugly guy who sits next to me (who is still married with two children but in the process of a divorce) has a girlfriend - and I am an attractive, independent woman with one small itty bitty baby... and I can't get a fucking date to save my life. The only guys that have expressed ANY interest I would NEVER date in a million years. Seriously.

Stupid men

So I apologized to my friend.

I realized that I wanted him in my life... that kicking him out wasn't helping me any.
We talked, he was confused... but the conversation went well.
But today he wouldn't answer my text/email.
So I don't know what's going on.

Tried a couple of dating sites... the only guys that looked interesting (and trust me, there weren't many) didn't date women with kids...
FML

Writing Off Men

So, I'm writing off the men in my life... one by one.

I guess I'll discuss this in chronological order. The first one is the guy I've had a thing for off and on for the last couple of years. We had Christmas dinner together, well... he was there, I was there. Etc. Once again he was incredible with the baby. The baby that he holds as his rationale for us not being together. Anyway, after Christmas dinner I texted him. I told him that I couldn't continue to spend time with him if we weren't going to be together. I needed time to get over him. He wanted to discuss it. I'm not really sure why it upset him that "I thought I'd just say my piece and be done with it" because it wasn't meant to hurt him. I just didn't want him to think that I was upset with him. But he seemed upset that I didn't think he would want to talk about it. Well... we discussed it over the next several hours. Nothing changed.. it was the same conversation that we always have. I have feelings for you, I want to be with you... You have a baby, I deserve more than a ready made family... Your baby comes first... it doesn't have to be this way... And then I hurt his feelings. I told him I was too good for him because he had to think twice about being with me. That really pissed him off, and he can be mean. Next thing I knew I was in tears - conceding that he was too good for me, he was right - I was wrong, etc. He's very persuasive, and can be very mean when he's hurt. Anyway, we made peace, and today I dropped off a christmas card for him, and left it at that.

Then Teddy... I filed for child support today. He has yet to step up and be a man, and so I gave up on him. The thing is, he keeps trying to bribe me "I can help you more than you realize if you just back off and give me some space." Yet, he never actually does. So, I filed. I didn't want to flat out tell him I filed for child support - because I knew it would upset him and he would blame me. So, I picked a fight so he wouldn't be surprised when he got the paperwork. Basically, I called him out on all of his BS over the last two months and told him I was done putting up with his shit. So...

there it is.

A night out

I had a night out saturday... and it was wonderful. It was good food, good company, great friends... but a few things in particular made it stand out.

When he gave me a nonchalant kiss hello - a mere peck that didn't mean anything.
Having his arms wrapped around me for a photo.
Him taking my keys away, driving me to the next location.
The peck that turned into a kiss.
The conversation that was as smooth as it used to be.

It didn't mean anything, but I had my friend back for an evening. It was one night, one precious night that faded away. But, I had my friend back, and for one evening he made me feel special.

The loneliness of Christmas

Last year at this time I had my arms wrapped around the man I was in love with, I had my head stuck in the toilet half the day due to morning sickness, and I was getting ready to spend Christmas in NYC. I was in awe of the world around me, and of how blessed I was. I couldn't believe that all my dreams had finally come true. A few months later, all I had left was the precious baby growing inside me. Everything was destroyed. I lost everything except my girl. Once again, I was starting over from scratch.

This holiday season has been so bittersweet. I want it to be special for my girl, so I put up a tree. I'm still debating whether the tree has helped me or not. It has helped instill some holiday spirit, but it's a daily reminder that I'm spending the holidays essentially alone. Daphne doesn't count. I know that sounds terrible... but she's not going to wrap her arms around me, she's not going to tell me how much she loves me, she's not even going to show appreciation for the gifts gathered under the tree. She counts in other ways, but not really as companionship.

You know, I think I really had a crush of convenience on my friend. He was there, it was convenient, and as long as things stayed the same I could get excited, get butterfly's, pretend there was more... yes, I realize I was in denial - I wouldn't admit that I had feelings for him - but I was happy with him there nonetheless. I don't really even need someone in my life, but it sure would be nice to have at least a prospect. Someone to dream about, someone to hope for. It's really depressing when you realize that there isn't even anyone in your life that you would consider having a relationship with. There's no hope left then. Not only does a friendship have to develop, and then one thing leads to another... but you still have to even MEET that person.

"If you think about the most important moments in your life... were you alone? Life's better with company." - From some movie that's getting ready to come out. For too many of my important moments I've been alone.

"It's our first christmas as a family - I couldn't wait." - Kays commercial. A family of two, she won't remember it. It's something I have to be the keeper of.

The movies... the songs... the freaking commercials... it all just leaves me feeling alone. The worst of it is, I can't really call my friend - I made that weird and awkward. I do have other friends, but they all have "someone," and when I'm like this I'm horrible company. There aren't that many people that I'll subject this mood to.

Anyway, Merry freaking Christmas.

The answer

My mom called and commented on my blog. I just wanted to set the record straight so no one else misunderstood me. I adore my daughter, I love my daughter. She is my entire world, and I'm so thankful for her. I don't resent her in any way. I realize that the relationship I had with her father probably would have ended at some point anyway. I think it may be possible that her existence expedited the process, but I realize that it's not her fault.

Here's the reality of the situation. I loved him so much, that losing him (combined with my past history with men) would have destroyed me. I think that the Lord provided my very precious blessing in order to give me something to live for. To give me focus. To give me a reason to keep my life on track. It would have been very easy for me to lose myself in the world, specifically to lose myself in alcohol, had it not been for my precious girl. So in every way she is my blessing, and having her saved me from myself.

But gosh, this sure is a lonesome holiday season.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I get so lonely I just can't breathe...

Dear Santa,

I've tried hard to be a good girl this year, and if you check your list I think you'll find that the good outweighs the bad. I know it's been a long time since I've written to you Santa, but I never quit believing. Since you'll be swinging by for baby Daphne this year, I was wondering if maybe you would leave something for me too. I'm no longer a child, but I'm still a child at heart. Santa, if I were to ask my list could be very long, but since you probably can't make someone fall in love with me, you're not going to have time to fix my hot water heater, and an extra 5,000 dollars towards my home loan is probably out of the question, let me ask for the basics please.

Santa, Please bring me:

A safe, reliable babysitter!
An extra hour in the day!
A baby that sleeps through the night!!


Thank you Santa,
We can't wait to see you

Kate and Daphne

It never ends...

Life is so frustrating.

First, I'd like to address my love life... or lack thereof. I think I'm over that guy. There is still physical attraction between us, but we've used and abused one another so much - and there are so many reasons why we would be TERRIBLE together - that I'm just not even concerned about it anymore. I care about him deeply, but his arrogance and selfishness are really a turn off for me.

So... onto the rest of my life. Which there is more than plenty of. I have a child that won't go to sleep, laundry to put away, Christmas cards to order and send out (get this... I ran out!), dishes to do, soiled clothing to pre-treat, dinner to eat at some point tonight, a car that has 500 dollars worth of damage that I have to take care of, a guy with no insurance I need to track down, 500 dollars in medical bills that I have to figure out how to pay, bottles to sanitize, a shower to take, milk to pump, presents to wrap, grocery shopping to do, chutney to make, an office to finish decorating... UGH! WILL IT EVER END?

All I want is someone to share the burden every once in awhile - someone to pick up a carton of milk on the way home... so I'm not balancing two gallons of milk, the baby, the diaper bag, the pump bag, and a basket of laundry on my way upstairs!

The thing is, when you are a single parent, on top of all else you have to take care of, no matter how much money you make - it's never enough. When you are a single parent you always worry about money. College funds, savings, emergency funds, diapers, baby food, clothing (they need so much clothing!)... it's never enough when you're a single parent.

My best friend

My best friend is someone that I have nothing in common with, someone that I shouldn't be attracted to, and someone I have a history with. A week history, but a history nonetheless.

Basically, I've loved him for years. His feelings haven't been as strong as mine, but he's had his moments where he's shared something similar. Or so I've been led to believe. I don't know for certain, all I can do is trust that he's telling me the truth. He's not the usual kind of guy that I'm attracted to, I generally like a guy with dark hair, pale skin, light eyes. He's tan, blonde, with light eyes. He's into sports, sky diving, snowboarding... I've never had the money for the last two - and I'm not really into sports. We would be terrible for each other.

But, I tell him everything, and I know he won't judge me... or leave. He's been there to support me through all of my ups and downs, and sides to sides. I'd like to think that I've been able to support him in the same ways. Being around him makes me a better person. It makes me a better mother. And honestly... I owe him an apology.

I'm sorry for all of the accusations that I pinned on you a few weeks back. You were withdrawing, yes - and for that portion I stand by what I said. But for everything else, I'm sorry. I was projecting my own insecurities about myself, my appearance, my love life... I was projecting all of my issues on you. I was projecting those issues and blaming you for looking at me that way, but in all reality I was upset with myself. My sincerest deepest apologies.

I didn't want to meet her, but I'm glad I did. Seeing you together helped me go a long way in getting over you. You don't look like that when you're with me. I want you to be happy.

She should have been mine...

That was said to me yesterday. A guy that I had a crush on during my deployment told me yesterday that my daughter should have been his. That he had feelings for me the whole time, but neither of us did anything about it. After talking to him I felt regret, for not speaking up and for letting something get away. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten all hung up on Daphne's dad... but then I wouldn't have Daphne.

On the other hand, listening to him made me sad. It also made me realize that a lot of men probably experience the same emotions during pregnancy. You see, he's married and expecting his first child. At the time that we were enamored with one another he was single, but upon returning from Iraq he hooked up with an ex, she got pregnant, and they got married. More noble than my ex, that's for sure. Teddy left me when I was 7 months pregnant, his wife is 6.5 months pregnant. I think men, when confronted with so much change in so little time, I think they wonder what if. What if we weren't together? What if I had told this other person how I feel? What if we weren't having a baby? The good men drive on, the weak ones give in to the temptation of freedom. So much of what this man said sounded like Teddy, when he left. The difference is he wants to stay for his child. So, I encouraged him. Told him it was likely to get worse before it got better, and he should stick it out.

But what if I had said something...?

Just a glimpse at our life

0500 - First alarm goes off
0530 - Second alarm goes off
0545 - I get out of bed
0600 - I get in the shower
0610 - I get out of the shower
0630 - My hair and make up are finished
0645 - I'm dressed, bags are packed for the day
0700 - Daphne is up and dressed, being nursed
0715 - Pack up baby and grab bags
0720 - Pulling out of parking lot
0730 - Drop baby off at daycare
0750 - Arrive at work
0800 - Work day starts
0900 - Pumping break (so baby gets breastmilk)
1200 - Pumping during lunch
1230 - Eat lunch
1500 - Pumping break
1700 - Leave work
1730 - Pick up baby
1800 - Arrive home and nurse baby
1900 - Baby asleep while attempting to nurse
1930 - Baby awake and eating cereal
2000 - Baby in swing, Mommy vaccuming, sterilizing bottles, pretreating stained clothing
2030 - Baby asleep in swing, Mommy cooking dinner/eating dinner
2100 - Mommy cleaning up in kitchen, then pumping
2130 - Mommy takes a shower
2145 - Mommy nurses baby
2200 - Hopefully mommy will be in bed.

This was (and hopefully will continue as predicted) my day today. BTW... There are still two baskets worth of clothing in the car that I didn't bring upstairs or put away yet. Someone want to suggest a good time to do that?

Marriage blows

This one will be short.

It sucks when someone you care about gets involved in a new relationship, or just doesn't return your feelings.

What I didn't realize is how much it sucks when someone you used to have a crush on gets married. Even if you are long over them.

It makes you wonder what's wrong with you.

Pregnancy

I hated being pregnant. I despised being pregnant. I was fat, uncomfortable, and lonely. I blamed my baby for losing the best thing to ever happen to me. He's said as much.

I hate watching t.v., and seeing couples that love each other faced with an unplanned pregnancy. The guy is always shocked, but comes to terms - gets excited, stands by his woman, and loves the baby in the end. On T.V. and in movies the guy always comes around. But it doesn't happen like that. They don't come around, and 36 hours into labor you're crying - in as much emotional pain as physical pain - and cursing him for putting you in that position.

As much as I've said that I don't want to have any other children, the idea of loving someone so much that we make the mutual decision to share our love and bring another child into the world is appealing. But I don't want another unplanned pregnancy. It's too painful.

The Roads We Choose To Take

So last night Daphne and I were up late with a friend. The friend from my previous post. The one I'm harboring feelings for... but can do nothing about.

I don't remember exactly what I put in the last post, but for those that may scream "tell him how you feel! take initiative! take charge!" I've done that. I told him how I felt immediately after he told me that he wanted to pursue something with the other woman. Not that we were bound to one another or anything, just spending time together. Which we still do... it's just different now.

We were up talking, about a little of everything last night. Eventually the conversation meandered towards him and I, as it always does when I'm a little down. It tied in, because I was talking about how I felt like a disposable girlfriend. That's who I've been to everyone it seems... my ex-husband, and the other two serious guys I dated. He asked if I felt like he was disposing of me, to which I replied no. I just felt like he was trading up, from a casual relationship to a serious one. We discussed it a little bit more, and he reiterated what he told me before, which I just wasn't ready to hear at the time. It's good that he told me again, I was able to absorb more of it this time.

Basically it boils down to this. He has never let himself get into a serious relationship with someone who has a child. If he hadn't set that standard previously for himself, it would be the ideal situation. My child is young, her father isn't really a part of her life, he cares about me, and he could convince me to have another child down the road. But because he's never allowed himself to get involved with someone who has a child, he would feel as though he were settling. Not settling on me, but settling on my situation. He's always held himself to that higher standard of not getting involved with people who were divorced, or had children. I've had both. Because he would feel like he was settling for my situation, he wouldn't be able to commit to me in the way that he should. He would always be one foot out the door. Additionally, there is way to much time and history between us. We've been friends for years, no one has been in my life as long as he has. We have met each others families (who are totally on my side as far as I can tell! Lol!) We have a history, and we help each other out, we are always there for one another. This means that we could never have that casual, "lets see if things work out" relationship that most people start out with. We would have to be all in. This is how I understood what he explained to me.

Here are my thoughts, he may be completely honest about this. In which case, there is a possibility that at some point he is able to look beyond the rules that he has imposed for himself and be able to open himself up to a relationship. Or, he's telling me this because the depth of his feelings for me have never matched how I feel about him, and he doesn't want to hurt me. Either way, it's a bad place to be.

On a lighter, and happier note, I currently weigh less than I did 2 years ago, and I'm only 5 lbs away from meeting my goal!

Baby, Boys, and the Blues

Having a baby severely impacts your love life. Not just for single moms, I wasn't single when I got pregnant. I wasn't single through most of my pregnancy - and the baby affected our relationship. It destroyed it actually. Honestly, if I didn't love her so much there would be a part of me that resented her. After all, I was happier than I've ever been - before I got pregnant. Having a child destroyed us.

Anyway, so recently things have been a little haywire. I still struggle with the feelings that I have for Daphne's father. When he's nice, he's wonderful - but when he's an ass he's horrid. He will go for weeks ignoring me completely, and then decide he still loves me. I'm really getting sick of the whole hot and cold thing. I know it's over between us, but there's a part of me that's just not over him yet. He recently dropped the bombshell on me that he's moved on. He's met someone else. This infuriates me for several reasons - one, because it's so easy for him. Two, because who are these women that have no problem falling in love with a man that walked out on his family?? It shouldn't be so easy for him!?!

He's not the only guy to get me down recently. To my surprise, I recently discovered that I harbor feelings for a friend of mine. He's someone who has been there for me for years, someone I can tell anything and everything to, and who is amazing with my child. Watching him hold her breaks my heart, because it's the type of relationship I wish she had consistently. She adores him, she lights up when she sees him. He's made the comment previously that he has to like her, because she's mine. But that man goes straight for the baby when we're around. He talks to her, plays with her, walks her... it's incredible to see them together. I care about him for many other reasons, I have for years - and those feelings may have been dormant for awhile, but they've never really gone away. We agreed when I came down here that we shouldn't date, in fact - he told me not to fall in love with him. Now he's exploring things with someone new. I care about him enough to want him to be happy, but there is a part of me that hopes that this new relationship crashes and burns. Totally selfish, because I honestly don't think it would change things.

There is a part of me that wonders if maybe I care about him because he's unavailable. He's off limits. As long as I care about him, I can't get involved with someone who may hurt me. It may be a good defense mechanism. I know the last time I was getting over someone I got involved with someone who only liked me when I wasn't interested in him, and I was only interested in him when he wasn't interested. So I already have a history of this, and during this same period of time I had developed feelings for this same friend who at the time lived very far away - so once again, he was unavailable. So either I use my feelings for him to keep from getting involved with someone else, or it's like the movie Definitely, Maybe - and we just haven't had our time yet. If we ever do.

Being a single mom is a very lonely existence.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was long, and at times painful, but definitely worth it.

The day started out with my munchkin and I getting up bright and early to go to my friends house to help with preparations. Their house looked beautiful, and the smell of pumpkin pie filled the air. Daphne was wonderful and in a fantastic mood. She was a little charmer all day.

I didn't know everyone there, but I was thankful for those friends that I did have around me. I'd like to think that we all bonded on a little bit deeper level having shared the Holiday together.

The food was late, we ate very late in the day for Thanksgiving - but it was delicious, and I was proud of the part I played. Daphne didn't want me to eat without her, so she sat in my lap. I gave her a bite of mashed potatoes - which she liked. One of her favorite people gave her a taste of ham - which she surprisingly didn't hate either.

The evening ended fairly early, but seeing as how we started at the crack of dawn, it wasn't suprising.

Daphne and I had a very happy Thanksgiving, and we hope everyone else did too.

Holiday Preparations

I am by no means going above and beyond this holiday season. I do hope to play my part though. My friend is hosting Thanksgiving and making most of the food, but my contribution is going to be Cranberry-Tangerine Chutney and Pumpkin Chai de Creme with Pumpkin Seed Brittle, and Sweet Potatoes. This led to a long, interesting day for me.

I went to work in the morning, and then spent my lunch hour speeding across town to drop off my time sheets at the mortgage company so they can process my loan. (Fingers Crossed!!) After returning to work I thankfully discovered that we had no students this afternoon and would be released early. I was so happy, as shopping with the baby is a nightmare. Once we were released I ran to the commissary (and ran into friends!) to get the ingredients on my list. I was able to find everything except hulled pumpkin seeds. From there I ran home to take the groceries in, take out the garbage (the dumpster is a good distance from my apartment, and it's difficult to take the garbage out with the baby), ran to target to purchase ramekins, and finally picked up my daughter. We still had one more place to go, so we hit up the exotic grocery store to find the hulled pumpkin seeds. I was trying to balance a cake in one hand, a baby in the other, and my wallet and keys all at the same time when a nice gentlemen let me go ahead of him in line. Thank God for small blessings.

Once arriving home, however, the day wasn't over yet. I fed the baby some cereal and peas (did not go over well) nursed her, and put her to bed. Then I had to eat dinner, sanitize her bottles from today, do the dishes, and try to get the poop stains out of the clothing she wore today. I managed to write a few quick little blogs, I will go take a shower, and then it will be bed time.

It's been a long exhausting day... but we're going to celebrate around her!

What I am

Being a single mom has made me...
... more patient
... less compassionate (if I can do this, why can't you?)
... stronger emotionally
... better at financial management
... able to prioritize more efficiently
... manage my time better
... a kid at heart
... physically stronger, if not yet in better shape that I was pre-pregnancy
... pessimistic about my love life
... realize what I want in a man
... tired

Around a year later...

I started this blog a year ago for my friends and family that were far away, so that they could experience my pregnancy along with me. My ex wasn't supportive of it, and since I already had a private personal blog I decided not to continue this one at that time. Now I'm starting over... on many levels. Most of you reading this will already know my story - but for those new people I'm going to provide a brief synopsis. Before I do so, I'm going to say this: I offer no explanations or apologies. I may offer explanations so my readers can understand my choices, but they aren't to justify my actions. I am no longer ashamed of what I have done, and my life is payment enough. I love my daughter and I'm happy, but our life isn't easy.

I found out I was pregnant in Iraq, I had been dating the father of my child for about two months and was convinced we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was madly in love with him, and couldn't imagine my life without him. We came home in december, when I was approximately two months pregnant. We moved in together, and things were going great. Then he went through a change when I was about 7 months pregnant. I wasn't the only one to notice or comment on it... but I was the only one to suffer from it. He decided then that he no longer wanted to be with me. He also decided he didn't want to be a part of his daughters life. I had the child, took a job across the country, and shortly after she was born we moved to a new state and a new job. Her father changed his mind about his involvement, and has seen her three times now.

I've chosen to start this blog again, mostly as an outlet for myself. Though I am able to comfortably provide for my daughter and I, it's a very difficult life - and I hope that my story will convince others (especially young women) to think about the consequences of their actions. My daughter is the light of my life, but there are times that I regret not having the freedom and the ability to achieve some of my other dreams. My little girl has to come first.