The loneliness of Christmas

Last year at this time I had my arms wrapped around the man I was in love with, I had my head stuck in the toilet half the day due to morning sickness, and I was getting ready to spend Christmas in NYC. I was in awe of the world around me, and of how blessed I was. I couldn't believe that all my dreams had finally come true. A few months later, all I had left was the precious baby growing inside me. Everything was destroyed. I lost everything except my girl. Once again, I was starting over from scratch.

This holiday season has been so bittersweet. I want it to be special for my girl, so I put up a tree. I'm still debating whether the tree has helped me or not. It has helped instill some holiday spirit, but it's a daily reminder that I'm spending the holidays essentially alone. Daphne doesn't count. I know that sounds terrible... but she's not going to wrap her arms around me, she's not going to tell me how much she loves me, she's not even going to show appreciation for the gifts gathered under the tree. She counts in other ways, but not really as companionship.

You know, I think I really had a crush of convenience on my friend. He was there, it was convenient, and as long as things stayed the same I could get excited, get butterfly's, pretend there was more... yes, I realize I was in denial - I wouldn't admit that I had feelings for him - but I was happy with him there nonetheless. I don't really even need someone in my life, but it sure would be nice to have at least a prospect. Someone to dream about, someone to hope for. It's really depressing when you realize that there isn't even anyone in your life that you would consider having a relationship with. There's no hope left then. Not only does a friendship have to develop, and then one thing leads to another... but you still have to even MEET that person.

"If you think about the most important moments in your life... were you alone? Life's better with company." - From some movie that's getting ready to come out. For too many of my important moments I've been alone.

"It's our first christmas as a family - I couldn't wait." - Kays commercial. A family of two, she won't remember it. It's something I have to be the keeper of.

The movies... the songs... the freaking commercials... it all just leaves me feeling alone. The worst of it is, I can't really call my friend - I made that weird and awkward. I do have other friends, but they all have "someone," and when I'm like this I'm horrible company. There aren't that many people that I'll subject this mood to.

Anyway, Merry freaking Christmas.