Posts
November 15, 2014
Depression
It's been a long time since I've posted a blog, but life caught up with me along the way. I'll post an update at some point (I think I always say that) but here's what you need to know to be caught up to date:
Married the most wonderful man in the world.
Had baby number 2 - a funny, charming, strong-willed little boy named Caleb.
Diagnosed with PPD, anxiety.
Moved to NC.
Got pregnant with baby number 3 - A handsome, charming, little clown named Connor.
Diagnosed with hypothyroidism.
Had baby number 3.
Diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease.
Currently a full time student/stay at home mom.
Husband joined the reserves.
Ok... those are the highlights. Here is where I am. I am depressed. I am miserable. I am so lonely. Motherhood is the loneliest I've ever been in my life, and I was the sole female on a team of 15 guys in Iraq - 15 guys that really didn't talk to me on a social level. I thought that would be the lowest I ever felt. I was wrong.
I wouldn't change anything. I don't want to be anywhere else. I want to raise my kids, I want to see them grow every day. I also want friends, someone to talk to, someone who wants to talk to me.
Part of this is all based on hormones and hashimoto's. One of the symptoms of hypothyroidism is depression. I believe it. Mine was so bad I was hallucinating at one point. The other part of it is that I haven't had a good, close girlfriend in a long time. I have great friends, (and of course my best friend), but they aren't here. HERE makes a difference.
I want to leave my kids with a sitter and go do something, but I have homework to do. We can't afford to get a sitter anyway.
The kids have been sick for the last month, 2/3 of them. It's a different combination of the kids at different times. We are finally on the mend... and the baby starts cutting teeth. He hasn't slept in days. I'm so far behind in my college classes I don't know how I'll ever catch up.
I have no one to call to come over, no one to help.
I'm stuck blogging about it - because I'm in a world where no one really cares except my husband and my kids. People say they do... but they aren't here. Here makes a difference.
I'm just thankful that in a couple of hours Brad will be home, and I won't be quite so alone for a little while.
January 11, 2012
Smiles and Kisses
Yesterday I was tired and stressed. I went home grumpy, snapped at my husband, snapped at my kids, and went about fixing dinner. Once C was sleeping and D was eating my husband asked what was wrong. For about the 30th time. I vented out everything to him, about how I'm afraid of my baby, I avoid him, I look forward to going to work, and I feel guilty about it. He was very supportive. I still didn't feel better though. I told him I needed him to be a "cheese dick" (his term for sappy/romantic). See, I often feel like he married me for Daphne. I have a lot of insecurity about that. So I told him I needed to feel like he loved me as much as he loved the kids right now. He laughed and told me we could get rid of the kids right now! Joking of course! I felt better after that, and passed out early while trying to put D to bed.
Today has been wonderful so far. I had orientation for D's new daycare, and while I was there I stopped in to love and cuddle C. He was crying when I walked in, but as soon as he heard my voice he stopped. I went and took him from the woman trying to feed him, and though he didn't eat, he cuddled up in my arms. I talked to him, and looked in his little face, and my precious boy just lit up. He grinned and cooed and squawked and laughed, and he never took his eyes off of me. He nestled against my jacket, he played with the fur (faux!) on my hood, and just looked happy to see me. I don't remember D doing this. I don't remember her looking joyful just because I was there. Of course, I could get her to smile and laugh, even this young... but it was always prompted. She also wasn't as vocal as he is. He made my day... I might have to visit him at lunch more often.
My little bull dog. :)
Today has been wonderful so far. I had orientation for D's new daycare, and while I was there I stopped in to love and cuddle C. He was crying when I walked in, but as soon as he heard my voice he stopped. I went and took him from the woman trying to feed him, and though he didn't eat, he cuddled up in my arms. I talked to him, and looked in his little face, and my precious boy just lit up. He grinned and cooed and squawked and laughed, and he never took his eyes off of me. He nestled against my jacket, he played with the fur (faux!) on my hood, and just looked happy to see me. I don't remember D doing this. I don't remember her looking joyful just because I was there. Of course, I could get her to smile and laugh, even this young... but it was always prompted. She also wasn't as vocal as he is. He made my day... I might have to visit him at lunch more often.
My little bull dog. :)
January 10, 2012
Baby Blues
I just had a bouncing baby boy, and I'm not elated, joyful, or glowing. I'm tired, angry, stressed... and I can't blame it on him anymore because he's no longer the "Grumpy Guss" he started out as. So I go to work and smile, and laugh, and share stories about the kids, and dread going home at the end of the day because I have this gorgeous little boy that I desperately want to connect with that I have no clue how to relate to.
The whole pregnancy was hard. I had baby fever since before we even got engaged. My baby was getting bigger, and I wanted another one. I had this incredible man in my life that was an amazing father, and I wanted to do it from scratch. I wanted to go through the pregnancy, labor, and new parenthood with someone. Specifically, with him. I felt so alone last time, so embarassed, so ashamed. I put on a front to hide it from the world, because God forbid someone see through the armor I was wearing, see that I was terrified to do it all alone. So, we got married. Knowing I wanted a baby, he put things in order... got our finances together, purchased a new vehicle, and then asked if I wanted to have another baby. I was so excited! I immediatly started tracking my cycles, reading about fertility and conception, anticipated it taking several months.... and within 6 weeks I was pregnant.
I wasn't expecting that. I was excited about this time in our life while we would be madly in love, striving for this goal together, sharing the joys and frustrations of trying to concieve... and it was already over. I was pregnant. I'd never have that time back, we would never share the intimacy of expanding our family again, because B is adamant that we aren't having another. That was difficult for me. Yes, I was beyond blessed to have a body that functioned the way God intended, especially after what I had been told years before (reference first post)... but I was so excited about the trying process I wasn't ready for the pregnant reality. Physically, it also hit me hard. We were convinced I was having twins. The sickness was so much stronger, I felt like I was carrying a 10 lb weight on my hips at 6 weeks pregnant, I knew almost a week before that I was pregnant, my symptoms were so strong.
Over the next nine months I realized my expectations were too high. I had been looking forward to B lovingly placing his hand on my belly to feel his baby move, kissing my belly, or talking to the baby. This isn't B at all. I should have known that. I was bitterly disappointed to feel like I was going through it alone all again. He was there for me, he did the dishes, let me go to bed early, got up with the baby, attended my appointments... but it wasn't an experience that brought us together at all. I felt alone emotionally. To add to that, I experienced a lot of issues that I didn't the first time. I gained 40 lbs of water weight (so I looked much bigger than I actually was), I physically could not walk due to the pain I was in. I was miserable, and had to deal with a 2 year old at the same time. I had no patience, so I also dealt with the guilt that I wasn't being a good mother.
Finally, the time came to have the baby. I was so, so thankful to have my mother in law here. I don't know how we would have done it without her. I was scheduled for induction because we lived so far from the hospital. I had mixed feelings about this, because I wanted him to come on his terms. Thankfully, I went into labor the day before B's mom got here. I labored all day, and felt relief and joy. It was fun to share that experience with B, though I didn't like how he picked fun at me. It slowed down that night, and I got some rest. The next day labor stalled. So did the baby. He didn't move. We waited to go to the hospital because we were scheduled for induction the next day and B wanted to get a good nights rest. He didn't want to sit in the hospital all night for a stress test when we would have to get up and go in the next morning for induction. So we waited.
The next day we got to the hospital, I informed them of the lack of movement, and the baby was under stress. His fluid was thick as mud. He wasn't moving. I was devestated. When D was born they immediately whisked her away to the NICU because of her blood sugars and the meconium in her fluid. Now I knew that they would take my son from me as well. I would never have the reward of pushing the baby out and having it placed lovingly on my chest. Then they told me I would be having a c-section. It was harder than I ever would have imagined. Then they told me that even if I were to have another child, I would never have the joy of experiencing a natural child birth. I would be forever doomed to have a c-section. After running a 9 month race, I was denied the finish line. I don't remember much of the first 6 hours after his birth, and the relief of not being pregnant anymore overshadowed almost everything. He was such a good baby... and then we brought him home.
At 6 weeks Caleb was diagnosed with Colic. I NEEDED to nurse my baby, but it was making matters worse for him. So I gave it up. For a happier baby, but I miss the connection and bond that comes with nursing. I resent it a little that he didn't want my milk. That he didn't want to nurse from me. That his little body rejected me.
He's no longer colicky, but I shudder when he cries. My anxiety levels sky rocket, there's a huge fear that I won't be able to comfort him... like I've failed to do so many times before. I'm his primary night time caretaker... and I cuddle with him at night while he sleeps because it's the only time I feel safe holding him. I avoid him during the day, and I look forward to going to a job that I loathe because at least there I can't fail him yet again...
And my friends that have just had babies appear to be so filled with joy... I feel like a failure.
The whole pregnancy was hard. I had baby fever since before we even got engaged. My baby was getting bigger, and I wanted another one. I had this incredible man in my life that was an amazing father, and I wanted to do it from scratch. I wanted to go through the pregnancy, labor, and new parenthood with someone. Specifically, with him. I felt so alone last time, so embarassed, so ashamed. I put on a front to hide it from the world, because God forbid someone see through the armor I was wearing, see that I was terrified to do it all alone. So, we got married. Knowing I wanted a baby, he put things in order... got our finances together, purchased a new vehicle, and then asked if I wanted to have another baby. I was so excited! I immediatly started tracking my cycles, reading about fertility and conception, anticipated it taking several months.... and within 6 weeks I was pregnant.
I wasn't expecting that. I was excited about this time in our life while we would be madly in love, striving for this goal together, sharing the joys and frustrations of trying to concieve... and it was already over. I was pregnant. I'd never have that time back, we would never share the intimacy of expanding our family again, because B is adamant that we aren't having another. That was difficult for me. Yes, I was beyond blessed to have a body that functioned the way God intended, especially after what I had been told years before (reference first post)... but I was so excited about the trying process I wasn't ready for the pregnant reality. Physically, it also hit me hard. We were convinced I was having twins. The sickness was so much stronger, I felt like I was carrying a 10 lb weight on my hips at 6 weeks pregnant, I knew almost a week before that I was pregnant, my symptoms were so strong.
Over the next nine months I realized my expectations were too high. I had been looking forward to B lovingly placing his hand on my belly to feel his baby move, kissing my belly, or talking to the baby. This isn't B at all. I should have known that. I was bitterly disappointed to feel like I was going through it alone all again. He was there for me, he did the dishes, let me go to bed early, got up with the baby, attended my appointments... but it wasn't an experience that brought us together at all. I felt alone emotionally. To add to that, I experienced a lot of issues that I didn't the first time. I gained 40 lbs of water weight (so I looked much bigger than I actually was), I physically could not walk due to the pain I was in. I was miserable, and had to deal with a 2 year old at the same time. I had no patience, so I also dealt with the guilt that I wasn't being a good mother.
Finally, the time came to have the baby. I was so, so thankful to have my mother in law here. I don't know how we would have done it without her. I was scheduled for induction because we lived so far from the hospital. I had mixed feelings about this, because I wanted him to come on his terms. Thankfully, I went into labor the day before B's mom got here. I labored all day, and felt relief and joy. It was fun to share that experience with B, though I didn't like how he picked fun at me. It slowed down that night, and I got some rest. The next day labor stalled. So did the baby. He didn't move. We waited to go to the hospital because we were scheduled for induction the next day and B wanted to get a good nights rest. He didn't want to sit in the hospital all night for a stress test when we would have to get up and go in the next morning for induction. So we waited.
The next day we got to the hospital, I informed them of the lack of movement, and the baby was under stress. His fluid was thick as mud. He wasn't moving. I was devestated. When D was born they immediately whisked her away to the NICU because of her blood sugars and the meconium in her fluid. Now I knew that they would take my son from me as well. I would never have the reward of pushing the baby out and having it placed lovingly on my chest. Then they told me I would be having a c-section. It was harder than I ever would have imagined. Then they told me that even if I were to have another child, I would never have the joy of experiencing a natural child birth. I would be forever doomed to have a c-section. After running a 9 month race, I was denied the finish line. I don't remember much of the first 6 hours after his birth, and the relief of not being pregnant anymore overshadowed almost everything. He was such a good baby... and then we brought him home.
At 6 weeks Caleb was diagnosed with Colic. I NEEDED to nurse my baby, but it was making matters worse for him. So I gave it up. For a happier baby, but I miss the connection and bond that comes with nursing. I resent it a little that he didn't want my milk. That he didn't want to nurse from me. That his little body rejected me.
He's no longer colicky, but I shudder when he cries. My anxiety levels sky rocket, there's a huge fear that I won't be able to comfort him... like I've failed to do so many times before. I'm his primary night time caretaker... and I cuddle with him at night while he sleeps because it's the only time I feel safe holding him. I avoid him during the day, and I look forward to going to a job that I loathe because at least there I can't fail him yet again...
And my friends that have just had babies appear to be so filled with joy... I feel like a failure.
Almost two years later... an update.
Today I'm a married mom of two. D is 2 1/2, and C is 12 weeks old. A year ago, my husband and I decided to add to our family. We found out we were expecting C a year to the day that we met. Superbowl Sunday. Yes... that last blog that I posted as a single mom...? That was my now husband. I was terrified to continue blogging because I didn't want to jinx it. We married after a short 9 months, and added to our family right away. We are still in the same small town, but now there is a burning desire in our hearts to move back east. Well, B wants to move back east. I want to move. Anywhere. Period.
I should add... this time is much harder for me. Two years is a long time, and I've grown up a lot. There are things I wrote before that embarass me now. Some of it is my language, some of it is the way that I talked about people... especially people I barely knew. Some of it is the choices that I made. When I was writing before I had nothing to lose. I didn't care if anyone liked me. I liked myself, and that was good enough. Now I have the feelings of my husband to consider, I would never want to embarass B. I also have his family to consider. I adore them all, and desperately wish for a closer relationship with my sisters in law (but I'm not good at that sort of thing), but now I worry about what they will think of me. My interactions with them have been brief, and I want nothing more for them to think that I am worthy of their family.
However, there is no point to blogging if it is full of lies. I hate cryptic blogs that hint at something but don't tell the full story. I don't like to read blogs and know that the author is painting themselves in fairy light. If you are going to put it out there, you should probably just be honest about it. If you're not, people are going to see through you. So... I'll be honest. To the best of my ability. If I can't be, then I won't write about it. I won't hint at it.
So, to my lovely readers... Welcome back. :)
I should add... this time is much harder for me. Two years is a long time, and I've grown up a lot. There are things I wrote before that embarass me now. Some of it is my language, some of it is the way that I talked about people... especially people I barely knew. Some of it is the choices that I made. When I was writing before I had nothing to lose. I didn't care if anyone liked me. I liked myself, and that was good enough. Now I have the feelings of my husband to consider, I would never want to embarass B. I also have his family to consider. I adore them all, and desperately wish for a closer relationship with my sisters in law (but I'm not good at that sort of thing), but now I worry about what they will think of me. My interactions with them have been brief, and I want nothing more for them to think that I am worthy of their family.
However, there is no point to blogging if it is full of lies. I hate cryptic blogs that hint at something but don't tell the full story. I don't like to read blogs and know that the author is painting themselves in fairy light. If you are going to put it out there, you should probably just be honest about it. If you're not, people are going to see through you. So... I'll be honest. To the best of my ability. If I can't be, then I won't write about it. I won't hint at it.
So, to my lovely readers... Welcome back. :)
February 13, 2010
A great date
Last night I went out with the guy that I met at the superbowl party. I ran into him at the gym last week, and we chatted a bit on facebook. We agreed to go out last night, and I had a wonderful time.
We started off meeting for dinner at Texas Roadhouse. We were so engaged in conversation that the waitress had to come back three times to get our order. Then she came back to check on how we liked our meal (after our food had been delivered) and we hadn't even tried it yet. Conversation was great and flowed smoothly. The food was pretty good as well.
After dinner we walked over to the movie theatre, and he took me to the movie Valentines day. Which, btw, is really cute and you should totally see it. Great cast, and a few great twists to keep you on your toes. We held hands through the movie, and that was nice.
After the movie we discovered that we had to walk around the mall outside, because we were still parked at the restaurant. It was nice, getting that extra time together after movie.
Overall, the evening went really well. To my delight I discovered that he's a born again christian, and I think he may be interested in checking out my church!
We started off meeting for dinner at Texas Roadhouse. We were so engaged in conversation that the waitress had to come back three times to get our order. Then she came back to check on how we liked our meal (after our food had been delivered) and we hadn't even tried it yet. Conversation was great and flowed smoothly. The food was pretty good as well.
After dinner we walked over to the movie theatre, and he took me to the movie Valentines day. Which, btw, is really cute and you should totally see it. Great cast, and a few great twists to keep you on your toes. We held hands through the movie, and that was nice.
After the movie we discovered that we had to walk around the mall outside, because we were still parked at the restaurant. It was nice, getting that extra time together after movie.
Overall, the evening went really well. To my delight I discovered that he's a born again christian, and I think he may be interested in checking out my church!
February 12, 2010
A Date!
Ok, so last fridays date was HORRIBLE! I believe there is much more to attraction than just physical... but this poor guy was not only the most unfortunate looking man I've ever met, he was also the most awkward. It was the strangest lunch date I've ever had. All he wanted to talk about was work. Work is important to me in that it allows me to pay my bills... but there is so much more in my life.
As for sunday...
I have a date tomorrow night. I'll leave it at that! ;)
As for sunday...
I have a date tomorrow night. I'll leave it at that! ;)
February 5, 2010
Dating... and Heartache
So... on the dating news. I have a date tomorrow. It's a lunch date with a guy I met on Match.com. I don't know if he's attractive or not, it's hard to tell in his photos. But, he is 6'7" tall. Goodness I hope I didn't misread that! So, fingers crossed it goes well. According to his profile he's a good christian boy looking for a good christian girl... and though I'm not good yet - I sure am trying to be. It takes a little trial and error! Then, on Sunday one of the girls that I work with (who I just adore... and I'm so sad she's moving) is introducing me to this other guy... who looks really cute in his facebook photo. So... fingers crossed there too.
As for heartache. One of the guys on my team recently announced his wife is pregnant. That is so hard for me. I'm so jealous. He's going to be a great dad... I just wanted Teddy to be just as excited as this guy is. I wanted Teddy to be a good daddy. It hurts.
As for heartache. One of the guys on my team recently announced his wife is pregnant. That is so hard for me. I'm so jealous. He's going to be a great dad... I just wanted Teddy to be just as excited as this guy is. I wanted Teddy to be a good daddy. It hurts.
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