Posts
December 30, 2009
And another thing!
It pisses me off that the fat, ugly guy who sits next to me (who is still married with two children but in the process of a divorce) has a girlfriend - and I am an attractive, independent woman with one small itty bitty baby... and I can't get a fucking date to save my life. The only guys that have expressed ANY interest I would NEVER date in a million years. Seriously.
Stupid men
So I apologized to my friend.
I realized that I wanted him in my life... that kicking him out wasn't helping me any.
We talked, he was confused... but the conversation went well.
But today he wouldn't answer my text/email.
So I don't know what's going on.
Tried a couple of dating sites... the only guys that looked interesting (and trust me, there weren't many) didn't date women with kids...
FML
I realized that I wanted him in my life... that kicking him out wasn't helping me any.
We talked, he was confused... but the conversation went well.
But today he wouldn't answer my text/email.
So I don't know what's going on.
Tried a couple of dating sites... the only guys that looked interesting (and trust me, there weren't many) didn't date women with kids...
FML
December 29, 2009
Writing Off Men
So, I'm writing off the men in my life... one by one.
I guess I'll discuss this in chronological order. The first one is the guy I've had a thing for off and on for the last couple of years. We had Christmas dinner together, well... he was there, I was there. Etc. Once again he was incredible with the baby. The baby that he holds as his rationale for us not being together. Anyway, after Christmas dinner I texted him. I told him that I couldn't continue to spend time with him if we weren't going to be together. I needed time to get over him. He wanted to discuss it. I'm not really sure why it upset him that "I thought I'd just say my piece and be done with it" because it wasn't meant to hurt him. I just didn't want him to think that I was upset with him. But he seemed upset that I didn't think he would want to talk about it. Well... we discussed it over the next several hours. Nothing changed.. it was the same conversation that we always have. I have feelings for you, I want to be with you... You have a baby, I deserve more than a ready made family... Your baby comes first... it doesn't have to be this way... And then I hurt his feelings. I told him I was too good for him because he had to think twice about being with me. That really pissed him off, and he can be mean. Next thing I knew I was in tears - conceding that he was too good for me, he was right - I was wrong, etc. He's very persuasive, and can be very mean when he's hurt. Anyway, we made peace, and today I dropped off a christmas card for him, and left it at that.
Then Teddy... I filed for child support today. He has yet to step up and be a man, and so I gave up on him. The thing is, he keeps trying to bribe me "I can help you more than you realize if you just back off and give me some space." Yet, he never actually does. So, I filed. I didn't want to flat out tell him I filed for child support - because I knew it would upset him and he would blame me. So, I picked a fight so he wouldn't be surprised when he got the paperwork. Basically, I called him out on all of his BS over the last two months and told him I was done putting up with his shit. So...
there it is.
I guess I'll discuss this in chronological order. The first one is the guy I've had a thing for off and on for the last couple of years. We had Christmas dinner together, well... he was there, I was there. Etc. Once again he was incredible with the baby. The baby that he holds as his rationale for us not being together. Anyway, after Christmas dinner I texted him. I told him that I couldn't continue to spend time with him if we weren't going to be together. I needed time to get over him. He wanted to discuss it. I'm not really sure why it upset him that "I thought I'd just say my piece and be done with it" because it wasn't meant to hurt him. I just didn't want him to think that I was upset with him. But he seemed upset that I didn't think he would want to talk about it. Well... we discussed it over the next several hours. Nothing changed.. it was the same conversation that we always have. I have feelings for you, I want to be with you... You have a baby, I deserve more than a ready made family... Your baby comes first... it doesn't have to be this way... And then I hurt his feelings. I told him I was too good for him because he had to think twice about being with me. That really pissed him off, and he can be mean. Next thing I knew I was in tears - conceding that he was too good for me, he was right - I was wrong, etc. He's very persuasive, and can be very mean when he's hurt. Anyway, we made peace, and today I dropped off a christmas card for him, and left it at that.
Then Teddy... I filed for child support today. He has yet to step up and be a man, and so I gave up on him. The thing is, he keeps trying to bribe me "I can help you more than you realize if you just back off and give me some space." Yet, he never actually does. So, I filed. I didn't want to flat out tell him I filed for child support - because I knew it would upset him and he would blame me. So, I picked a fight so he wouldn't be surprised when he got the paperwork. Basically, I called him out on all of his BS over the last two months and told him I was done putting up with his shit. So...
there it is.
December 22, 2009
A night out
I had a night out saturday... and it was wonderful. It was good food, good company, great friends... but a few things in particular made it stand out.
When he gave me a nonchalant kiss hello - a mere peck that didn't mean anything.
Having his arms wrapped around me for a photo.
Him taking my keys away, driving me to the next location.
The peck that turned into a kiss.
The conversation that was as smooth as it used to be.
It didn't mean anything, but I had my friend back for an evening. It was one night, one precious night that faded away. But, I had my friend back, and for one evening he made me feel special.
When he gave me a nonchalant kiss hello - a mere peck that didn't mean anything.
Having his arms wrapped around me for a photo.
Him taking my keys away, driving me to the next location.
The peck that turned into a kiss.
The conversation that was as smooth as it used to be.
It didn't mean anything, but I had my friend back for an evening. It was one night, one precious night that faded away. But, I had my friend back, and for one evening he made me feel special.
December 18, 2009
The loneliness of Christmas
Last year at this time I had my arms wrapped around the man I was in love with, I had my head stuck in the toilet half the day due to morning sickness, and I was getting ready to spend Christmas in NYC. I was in awe of the world around me, and of how blessed I was. I couldn't believe that all my dreams had finally come true. A few months later, all I had left was the precious baby growing inside me. Everything was destroyed. I lost everything except my girl. Once again, I was starting over from scratch.
This holiday season has been so bittersweet. I want it to be special for my girl, so I put up a tree. I'm still debating whether the tree has helped me or not. It has helped instill some holiday spirit, but it's a daily reminder that I'm spending the holidays essentially alone. Daphne doesn't count. I know that sounds terrible... but she's not going to wrap her arms around me, she's not going to tell me how much she loves me, she's not even going to show appreciation for the gifts gathered under the tree. She counts in other ways, but not really as companionship.
You know, I think I really had a crush of convenience on my friend. He was there, it was convenient, and as long as things stayed the same I could get excited, get butterfly's, pretend there was more... yes, I realize I was in denial - I wouldn't admit that I had feelings for him - but I was happy with him there nonetheless. I don't really even need someone in my life, but it sure would be nice to have at least a prospect. Someone to dream about, someone to hope for. It's really depressing when you realize that there isn't even anyone in your life that you would consider having a relationship with. There's no hope left then. Not only does a friendship have to develop, and then one thing leads to another... but you still have to even MEET that person.
"If you think about the most important moments in your life... were you alone? Life's better with company." - From some movie that's getting ready to come out. For too many of my important moments I've been alone.
"It's our first christmas as a family - I couldn't wait." - Kays commercial. A family of two, she won't remember it. It's something I have to be the keeper of.
The movies... the songs... the freaking commercials... it all just leaves me feeling alone. The worst of it is, I can't really call my friend - I made that weird and awkward. I do have other friends, but they all have "someone," and when I'm like this I'm horrible company. There aren't that many people that I'll subject this mood to.
Anyway, Merry freaking Christmas.
This holiday season has been so bittersweet. I want it to be special for my girl, so I put up a tree. I'm still debating whether the tree has helped me or not. It has helped instill some holiday spirit, but it's a daily reminder that I'm spending the holidays essentially alone. Daphne doesn't count. I know that sounds terrible... but she's not going to wrap her arms around me, she's not going to tell me how much she loves me, she's not even going to show appreciation for the gifts gathered under the tree. She counts in other ways, but not really as companionship.
You know, I think I really had a crush of convenience on my friend. He was there, it was convenient, and as long as things stayed the same I could get excited, get butterfly's, pretend there was more... yes, I realize I was in denial - I wouldn't admit that I had feelings for him - but I was happy with him there nonetheless. I don't really even need someone in my life, but it sure would be nice to have at least a prospect. Someone to dream about, someone to hope for. It's really depressing when you realize that there isn't even anyone in your life that you would consider having a relationship with. There's no hope left then. Not only does a friendship have to develop, and then one thing leads to another... but you still have to even MEET that person.
"If you think about the most important moments in your life... were you alone? Life's better with company." - From some movie that's getting ready to come out. For too many of my important moments I've been alone.
"It's our first christmas as a family - I couldn't wait." - Kays commercial. A family of two, she won't remember it. It's something I have to be the keeper of.
The movies... the songs... the freaking commercials... it all just leaves me feeling alone. The worst of it is, I can't really call my friend - I made that weird and awkward. I do have other friends, but they all have "someone," and when I'm like this I'm horrible company. There aren't that many people that I'll subject this mood to.
Anyway, Merry freaking Christmas.
The answer
My mom called and commented on my blog. I just wanted to set the record straight so no one else misunderstood me. I adore my daughter, I love my daughter. She is my entire world, and I'm so thankful for her. I don't resent her in any way. I realize that the relationship I had with her father probably would have ended at some point anyway. I think it may be possible that her existence expedited the process, but I realize that it's not her fault.
Here's the reality of the situation. I loved him so much, that losing him (combined with my past history with men) would have destroyed me. I think that the Lord provided my very precious blessing in order to give me something to live for. To give me focus. To give me a reason to keep my life on track. It would have been very easy for me to lose myself in the world, specifically to lose myself in alcohol, had it not been for my precious girl. So in every way she is my blessing, and having her saved me from myself.
But gosh, this sure is a lonesome holiday season.
Here's the reality of the situation. I loved him so much, that losing him (combined with my past history with men) would have destroyed me. I think that the Lord provided my very precious blessing in order to give me something to live for. To give me focus. To give me a reason to keep my life on track. It would have been very easy for me to lose myself in the world, specifically to lose myself in alcohol, had it not been for my precious girl. So in every way she is my blessing, and having her saved me from myself.
But gosh, this sure is a lonesome holiday season.
December 17, 2009
December 16, 2009
Dear Santa,
I've tried hard to be a good girl this year, and if you check your list I think you'll find that the good outweighs the bad. I know it's been a long time since I've written to you Santa, but I never quit believing. Since you'll be swinging by for baby Daphne this year, I was wondering if maybe you would leave something for me too. I'm no longer a child, but I'm still a child at heart. Santa, if I were to ask my list could be very long, but since you probably can't make someone fall in love with me, you're not going to have time to fix my hot water heater, and an extra 5,000 dollars towards my home loan is probably out of the question, let me ask for the basics please.
Santa, Please bring me:
A safe, reliable babysitter!
An extra hour in the day!
A baby that sleeps through the night!!
Thank you Santa,
We can't wait to see you
Kate and Daphne
Santa, Please bring me:
A safe, reliable babysitter!
An extra hour in the day!
A baby that sleeps through the night!!
Thank you Santa,
We can't wait to see you
Kate and Daphne
It never ends...
Life is so frustrating.
First, I'd like to address my love life... or lack thereof. I think I'm over that guy. There is still physical attraction between us, but we've used and abused one another so much - and there are so many reasons why we would be TERRIBLE together - that I'm just not even concerned about it anymore. I care about him deeply, but his arrogance and selfishness are really a turn off for me.
So... onto the rest of my life. Which there is more than plenty of. I have a child that won't go to sleep, laundry to put away, Christmas cards to order and send out (get this... I ran out!), dishes to do, soiled clothing to pre-treat, dinner to eat at some point tonight, a car that has 500 dollars worth of damage that I have to take care of, a guy with no insurance I need to track down, 500 dollars in medical bills that I have to figure out how to pay, bottles to sanitize, a shower to take, milk to pump, presents to wrap, grocery shopping to do, chutney to make, an office to finish decorating... UGH! WILL IT EVER END?
All I want is someone to share the burden every once in awhile - someone to pick up a carton of milk on the way home... so I'm not balancing two gallons of milk, the baby, the diaper bag, the pump bag, and a basket of laundry on my way upstairs!
The thing is, when you are a single parent, on top of all else you have to take care of, no matter how much money you make - it's never enough. When you are a single parent you always worry about money. College funds, savings, emergency funds, diapers, baby food, clothing (they need so much clothing!)... it's never enough when you're a single parent.
First, I'd like to address my love life... or lack thereof. I think I'm over that guy. There is still physical attraction between us, but we've used and abused one another so much - and there are so many reasons why we would be TERRIBLE together - that I'm just not even concerned about it anymore. I care about him deeply, but his arrogance and selfishness are really a turn off for me.
So... onto the rest of my life. Which there is more than plenty of. I have a child that won't go to sleep, laundry to put away, Christmas cards to order and send out (get this... I ran out!), dishes to do, soiled clothing to pre-treat, dinner to eat at some point tonight, a car that has 500 dollars worth of damage that I have to take care of, a guy with no insurance I need to track down, 500 dollars in medical bills that I have to figure out how to pay, bottles to sanitize, a shower to take, milk to pump, presents to wrap, grocery shopping to do, chutney to make, an office to finish decorating... UGH! WILL IT EVER END?
All I want is someone to share the burden every once in awhile - someone to pick up a carton of milk on the way home... so I'm not balancing two gallons of milk, the baby, the diaper bag, the pump bag, and a basket of laundry on my way upstairs!
The thing is, when you are a single parent, on top of all else you have to take care of, no matter how much money you make - it's never enough. When you are a single parent you always worry about money. College funds, savings, emergency funds, diapers, baby food, clothing (they need so much clothing!)... it's never enough when you're a single parent.
December 7, 2009
My best friend
My best friend is someone that I have nothing in common with, someone that I shouldn't be attracted to, and someone I have a history with. A week history, but a history nonetheless.
Basically, I've loved him for years. His feelings haven't been as strong as mine, but he's had his moments where he's shared something similar. Or so I've been led to believe. I don't know for certain, all I can do is trust that he's telling me the truth. He's not the usual kind of guy that I'm attracted to, I generally like a guy with dark hair, pale skin, light eyes. He's tan, blonde, with light eyes. He's into sports, sky diving, snowboarding... I've never had the money for the last two - and I'm not really into sports. We would be terrible for each other.
But, I tell him everything, and I know he won't judge me... or leave. He's been there to support me through all of my ups and downs, and sides to sides. I'd like to think that I've been able to support him in the same ways. Being around him makes me a better person. It makes me a better mother. And honestly... I owe him an apology.
I'm sorry for all of the accusations that I pinned on you a few weeks back. You were withdrawing, yes - and for that portion I stand by what I said. But for everything else, I'm sorry. I was projecting my own insecurities about myself, my appearance, my love life... I was projecting all of my issues on you. I was projecting those issues and blaming you for looking at me that way, but in all reality I was upset with myself. My sincerest deepest apologies.
I didn't want to meet her, but I'm glad I did. Seeing you together helped me go a long way in getting over you. You don't look like that when you're with me. I want you to be happy.
Basically, I've loved him for years. His feelings haven't been as strong as mine, but he's had his moments where he's shared something similar. Or so I've been led to believe. I don't know for certain, all I can do is trust that he's telling me the truth. He's not the usual kind of guy that I'm attracted to, I generally like a guy with dark hair, pale skin, light eyes. He's tan, blonde, with light eyes. He's into sports, sky diving, snowboarding... I've never had the money for the last two - and I'm not really into sports. We would be terrible for each other.
But, I tell him everything, and I know he won't judge me... or leave. He's been there to support me through all of my ups and downs, and sides to sides. I'd like to think that I've been able to support him in the same ways. Being around him makes me a better person. It makes me a better mother. And honestly... I owe him an apology.
I'm sorry for all of the accusations that I pinned on you a few weeks back. You were withdrawing, yes - and for that portion I stand by what I said. But for everything else, I'm sorry. I was projecting my own insecurities about myself, my appearance, my love life... I was projecting all of my issues on you. I was projecting those issues and blaming you for looking at me that way, but in all reality I was upset with myself. My sincerest deepest apologies.
I didn't want to meet her, but I'm glad I did. Seeing you together helped me go a long way in getting over you. You don't look like that when you're with me. I want you to be happy.
December 5, 2009
She should have been mine...
That was said to me yesterday. A guy that I had a crush on during my deployment told me yesterday that my daughter should have been his. That he had feelings for me the whole time, but neither of us did anything about it. After talking to him I felt regret, for not speaking up and for letting something get away. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten all hung up on Daphne's dad... but then I wouldn't have Daphne.
On the other hand, listening to him made me sad. It also made me realize that a lot of men probably experience the same emotions during pregnancy. You see, he's married and expecting his first child. At the time that we were enamored with one another he was single, but upon returning from Iraq he hooked up with an ex, she got pregnant, and they got married. More noble than my ex, that's for sure. Teddy left me when I was 7 months pregnant, his wife is 6.5 months pregnant. I think men, when confronted with so much change in so little time, I think they wonder what if. What if we weren't together? What if I had told this other person how I feel? What if we weren't having a baby? The good men drive on, the weak ones give in to the temptation of freedom. So much of what this man said sounded like Teddy, when he left. The difference is he wants to stay for his child. So, I encouraged him. Told him it was likely to get worse before it got better, and he should stick it out.
But what if I had said something...?
On the other hand, listening to him made me sad. It also made me realize that a lot of men probably experience the same emotions during pregnancy. You see, he's married and expecting his first child. At the time that we were enamored with one another he was single, but upon returning from Iraq he hooked up with an ex, she got pregnant, and they got married. More noble than my ex, that's for sure. Teddy left me when I was 7 months pregnant, his wife is 6.5 months pregnant. I think men, when confronted with so much change in so little time, I think they wonder what if. What if we weren't together? What if I had told this other person how I feel? What if we weren't having a baby? The good men drive on, the weak ones give in to the temptation of freedom. So much of what this man said sounded like Teddy, when he left. The difference is he wants to stay for his child. So, I encouraged him. Told him it was likely to get worse before it got better, and he should stick it out.
But what if I had said something...?
December 3, 2009
Just a glimpse at our life
0500 - First alarm goes off
0530 - Second alarm goes off
0545 - I get out of bed
0600 - I get in the shower
0610 - I get out of the shower
0630 - My hair and make up are finished
0645 - I'm dressed, bags are packed for the day
0700 - Daphne is up and dressed, being nursed
0715 - Pack up baby and grab bags
0720 - Pulling out of parking lot
0730 - Drop baby off at daycare
0750 - Arrive at work
0800 - Work day starts
0900 - Pumping break (so baby gets breastmilk)
1200 - Pumping during lunch
1230 - Eat lunch
1500 - Pumping break
1700 - Leave work
1730 - Pick up baby
1800 - Arrive home and nurse baby
1900 - Baby asleep while attempting to nurse
1930 - Baby awake and eating cereal
2000 - Baby in swing, Mommy vaccuming, sterilizing bottles, pretreating stained clothing
2030 - Baby asleep in swing, Mommy cooking dinner/eating dinner
2100 - Mommy cleaning up in kitchen, then pumping
2130 - Mommy takes a shower
2145 - Mommy nurses baby
2200 - Hopefully mommy will be in bed.
This was (and hopefully will continue as predicted) my day today. BTW... There are still two baskets worth of clothing in the car that I didn't bring upstairs or put away yet. Someone want to suggest a good time to do that?
0530 - Second alarm goes off
0545 - I get out of bed
0600 - I get in the shower
0610 - I get out of the shower
0630 - My hair and make up are finished
0645 - I'm dressed, bags are packed for the day
0700 - Daphne is up and dressed, being nursed
0715 - Pack up baby and grab bags
0720 - Pulling out of parking lot
0730 - Drop baby off at daycare
0750 - Arrive at work
0800 - Work day starts
0900 - Pumping break (so baby gets breastmilk)
1200 - Pumping during lunch
1230 - Eat lunch
1500 - Pumping break
1700 - Leave work
1730 - Pick up baby
1800 - Arrive home and nurse baby
1900 - Baby asleep while attempting to nurse
1930 - Baby awake and eating cereal
2000 - Baby in swing, Mommy vaccuming, sterilizing bottles, pretreating stained clothing
2030 - Baby asleep in swing, Mommy cooking dinner/eating dinner
2100 - Mommy cleaning up in kitchen, then pumping
2130 - Mommy takes a shower
2145 - Mommy nurses baby
2200 - Hopefully mommy will be in bed.
This was (and hopefully will continue as predicted) my day today. BTW... There are still two baskets worth of clothing in the car that I didn't bring upstairs or put away yet. Someone want to suggest a good time to do that?
December 1, 2009
Marriage blows
This one will be short.
It sucks when someone you care about gets involved in a new relationship, or just doesn't return your feelings.
What I didn't realize is how much it sucks when someone you used to have a crush on gets married. Even if you are long over them.
It makes you wonder what's wrong with you.
It sucks when someone you care about gets involved in a new relationship, or just doesn't return your feelings.
What I didn't realize is how much it sucks when someone you used to have a crush on gets married. Even if you are long over them.
It makes you wonder what's wrong with you.
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