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I hated being pregnant. I despised being pregnant. I was fat, uncomfortable, and lonely. I blamed my baby for losing the best thing to ever happen to me. He's said as much.
I hate watching t.v., and seeing couples that love each other faced with an unplanned pregnancy. The guy is always shocked, but comes to terms - gets excited, stands by his woman, and loves the baby in the end. On T.V. and in movies the guy always comes around. But it doesn't happen like that. They don't come around, and 36 hours into labor you're crying - in as much emotional pain as physical pain - and cursing him for putting you in that position.
As much as I've said that I don't want to have any other children, the idea of loving someone so much that we make the mutual decision to share our love and bring another child into the world is appealing. But I don't want another unplanned pregnancy. It's too painful.
November 30, 2009
November 29, 2009
The Roads We Choose To Take
So last night Daphne and I were up late with a friend. The friend from my previous post. The one I'm harboring feelings for... but can do nothing about.
I don't remember exactly what I put in the last post, but for those that may scream "tell him how you feel! take initiative! take charge!" I've done that. I told him how I felt immediately after he told me that he wanted to pursue something with the other woman. Not that we were bound to one another or anything, just spending time together. Which we still do... it's just different now.
We were up talking, about a little of everything last night. Eventually the conversation meandered towards him and I, as it always does when I'm a little down. It tied in, because I was talking about how I felt like a disposable girlfriend. That's who I've been to everyone it seems... my ex-husband, and the other two serious guys I dated. He asked if I felt like he was disposing of me, to which I replied no. I just felt like he was trading up, from a casual relationship to a serious one. We discussed it a little bit more, and he reiterated what he told me before, which I just wasn't ready to hear at the time. It's good that he told me again, I was able to absorb more of it this time.
Basically it boils down to this. He has never let himself get into a serious relationship with someone who has a child. If he hadn't set that standard previously for himself, it would be the ideal situation. My child is young, her father isn't really a part of her life, he cares about me, and he could convince me to have another child down the road. But because he's never allowed himself to get involved with someone who has a child, he would feel as though he were settling. Not settling on me, but settling on my situation. He's always held himself to that higher standard of not getting involved with people who were divorced, or had children. I've had both. Because he would feel like he was settling for my situation, he wouldn't be able to commit to me in the way that he should. He would always be one foot out the door. Additionally, there is way to much time and history between us. We've been friends for years, no one has been in my life as long as he has. We have met each others families (who are totally on my side as far as I can tell! Lol!) We have a history, and we help each other out, we are always there for one another. This means that we could never have that casual, "lets see if things work out" relationship that most people start out with. We would have to be all in. This is how I understood what he explained to me.
Here are my thoughts, he may be completely honest about this. In which case, there is a possibility that at some point he is able to look beyond the rules that he has imposed for himself and be able to open himself up to a relationship. Or, he's telling me this because the depth of his feelings for me have never matched how I feel about him, and he doesn't want to hurt me. Either way, it's a bad place to be.
On a lighter, and happier note, I currently weigh less than I did 2 years ago, and I'm only 5 lbs away from meeting my goal!
I don't remember exactly what I put in the last post, but for those that may scream "tell him how you feel! take initiative! take charge!" I've done that. I told him how I felt immediately after he told me that he wanted to pursue something with the other woman. Not that we were bound to one another or anything, just spending time together. Which we still do... it's just different now.
We were up talking, about a little of everything last night. Eventually the conversation meandered towards him and I, as it always does when I'm a little down. It tied in, because I was talking about how I felt like a disposable girlfriend. That's who I've been to everyone it seems... my ex-husband, and the other two serious guys I dated. He asked if I felt like he was disposing of me, to which I replied no. I just felt like he was trading up, from a casual relationship to a serious one. We discussed it a little bit more, and he reiterated what he told me before, which I just wasn't ready to hear at the time. It's good that he told me again, I was able to absorb more of it this time.
Basically it boils down to this. He has never let himself get into a serious relationship with someone who has a child. If he hadn't set that standard previously for himself, it would be the ideal situation. My child is young, her father isn't really a part of her life, he cares about me, and he could convince me to have another child down the road. But because he's never allowed himself to get involved with someone who has a child, he would feel as though he were settling. Not settling on me, but settling on my situation. He's always held himself to that higher standard of not getting involved with people who were divorced, or had children. I've had both. Because he would feel like he was settling for my situation, he wouldn't be able to commit to me in the way that he should. He would always be one foot out the door. Additionally, there is way to much time and history between us. We've been friends for years, no one has been in my life as long as he has. We have met each others families (who are totally on my side as far as I can tell! Lol!) We have a history, and we help each other out, we are always there for one another. This means that we could never have that casual, "lets see if things work out" relationship that most people start out with. We would have to be all in. This is how I understood what he explained to me.
Here are my thoughts, he may be completely honest about this. In which case, there is a possibility that at some point he is able to look beyond the rules that he has imposed for himself and be able to open himself up to a relationship. Or, he's telling me this because the depth of his feelings for me have never matched how I feel about him, and he doesn't want to hurt me. Either way, it's a bad place to be.
On a lighter, and happier note, I currently weigh less than I did 2 years ago, and I'm only 5 lbs away from meeting my goal!
November 28, 2009
Baby, Boys, and the Blues
Having a baby severely impacts your love life. Not just for single moms, I wasn't single when I got pregnant. I wasn't single through most of my pregnancy - and the baby affected our relationship. It destroyed it actually. Honestly, if I didn't love her so much there would be a part of me that resented her. After all, I was happier than I've ever been - before I got pregnant. Having a child destroyed us.
Anyway, so recently things have been a little haywire. I still struggle with the feelings that I have for Daphne's father. When he's nice, he's wonderful - but when he's an ass he's horrid. He will go for weeks ignoring me completely, and then decide he still loves me. I'm really getting sick of the whole hot and cold thing. I know it's over between us, but there's a part of me that's just not over him yet. He recently dropped the bombshell on me that he's moved on. He's met someone else. This infuriates me for several reasons - one, because it's so easy for him. Two, because who are these women that have no problem falling in love with a man that walked out on his family?? It shouldn't be so easy for him!?!
He's not the only guy to get me down recently. To my surprise, I recently discovered that I harbor feelings for a friend of mine. He's someone who has been there for me for years, someone I can tell anything and everything to, and who is amazing with my child. Watching him hold her breaks my heart, because it's the type of relationship I wish she had consistently. She adores him, she lights up when she sees him. He's made the comment previously that he has to like her, because she's mine. But that man goes straight for the baby when we're around. He talks to her, plays with her, walks her... it's incredible to see them together. I care about him for many other reasons, I have for years - and those feelings may have been dormant for awhile, but they've never really gone away. We agreed when I came down here that we shouldn't date, in fact - he told me not to fall in love with him. Now he's exploring things with someone new. I care about him enough to want him to be happy, but there is a part of me that hopes that this new relationship crashes and burns. Totally selfish, because I honestly don't think it would change things.
There is a part of me that wonders if maybe I care about him because he's unavailable. He's off limits. As long as I care about him, I can't get involved with someone who may hurt me. It may be a good defense mechanism. I know the last time I was getting over someone I got involved with someone who only liked me when I wasn't interested in him, and I was only interested in him when he wasn't interested. So I already have a history of this, and during this same period of time I had developed feelings for this same friend who at the time lived very far away - so once again, he was unavailable. So either I use my feelings for him to keep from getting involved with someone else, or it's like the movie Definitely, Maybe - and we just haven't had our time yet. If we ever do.
Being a single mom is a very lonely existence.
Anyway, so recently things have been a little haywire. I still struggle with the feelings that I have for Daphne's father. When he's nice, he's wonderful - but when he's an ass he's horrid. He will go for weeks ignoring me completely, and then decide he still loves me. I'm really getting sick of the whole hot and cold thing. I know it's over between us, but there's a part of me that's just not over him yet. He recently dropped the bombshell on me that he's moved on. He's met someone else. This infuriates me for several reasons - one, because it's so easy for him. Two, because who are these women that have no problem falling in love with a man that walked out on his family?? It shouldn't be so easy for him!?!
He's not the only guy to get me down recently. To my surprise, I recently discovered that I harbor feelings for a friend of mine. He's someone who has been there for me for years, someone I can tell anything and everything to, and who is amazing with my child. Watching him hold her breaks my heart, because it's the type of relationship I wish she had consistently. She adores him, she lights up when she sees him. He's made the comment previously that he has to like her, because she's mine. But that man goes straight for the baby when we're around. He talks to her, plays with her, walks her... it's incredible to see them together. I care about him for many other reasons, I have for years - and those feelings may have been dormant for awhile, but they've never really gone away. We agreed when I came down here that we shouldn't date, in fact - he told me not to fall in love with him. Now he's exploring things with someone new. I care about him enough to want him to be happy, but there is a part of me that hopes that this new relationship crashes and burns. Totally selfish, because I honestly don't think it would change things.
There is a part of me that wonders if maybe I care about him because he's unavailable. He's off limits. As long as I care about him, I can't get involved with someone who may hurt me. It may be a good defense mechanism. I know the last time I was getting over someone I got involved with someone who only liked me when I wasn't interested in him, and I was only interested in him when he wasn't interested. So I already have a history of this, and during this same period of time I had developed feelings for this same friend who at the time lived very far away - so once again, he was unavailable. So either I use my feelings for him to keep from getting involved with someone else, or it's like the movie Definitely, Maybe - and we just haven't had our time yet. If we ever do.
Being a single mom is a very lonely existence.
November 27, 2009
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was long, and at times painful, but definitely worth it.
The day started out with my munchkin and I getting up bright and early to go to my friends house to help with preparations. Their house looked beautiful, and the smell of pumpkin pie filled the air. Daphne was wonderful and in a fantastic mood. She was a little charmer all day.
I didn't know everyone there, but I was thankful for those friends that I did have around me. I'd like to think that we all bonded on a little bit deeper level having shared the Holiday together.
The food was late, we ate very late in the day for Thanksgiving - but it was delicious, and I was proud of the part I played. Daphne didn't want me to eat without her, so she sat in my lap. I gave her a bite of mashed potatoes - which she liked. One of her favorite people gave her a taste of ham - which she surprisingly didn't hate either.
The evening ended fairly early, but seeing as how we started at the crack of dawn, it wasn't suprising.
Daphne and I had a very happy Thanksgiving, and we hope everyone else did too.
The day started out with my munchkin and I getting up bright and early to go to my friends house to help with preparations. Their house looked beautiful, and the smell of pumpkin pie filled the air. Daphne was wonderful and in a fantastic mood. She was a little charmer all day.
I didn't know everyone there, but I was thankful for those friends that I did have around me. I'd like to think that we all bonded on a little bit deeper level having shared the Holiday together.
The food was late, we ate very late in the day for Thanksgiving - but it was delicious, and I was proud of the part I played. Daphne didn't want me to eat without her, so she sat in my lap. I gave her a bite of mashed potatoes - which she liked. One of her favorite people gave her a taste of ham - which she surprisingly didn't hate either.
The evening ended fairly early, but seeing as how we started at the crack of dawn, it wasn't suprising.
Daphne and I had a very happy Thanksgiving, and we hope everyone else did too.
November 25, 2009
Holiday Preparations
I am by no means going above and beyond this holiday season. I do hope to play my part though. My friend is hosting Thanksgiving and making most of the food, but my contribution is going to be Cranberry-Tangerine Chutney and Pumpkin Chai de Creme with Pumpkin Seed Brittle, and Sweet Potatoes. This led to a long, interesting day for me.
I went to work in the morning, and then spent my lunch hour speeding across town to drop off my time sheets at the mortgage company so they can process my loan. (Fingers Crossed!!) After returning to work I thankfully discovered that we had no students this afternoon and would be released early. I was so happy, as shopping with the baby is a nightmare. Once we were released I ran to the commissary (and ran into friends!) to get the ingredients on my list. I was able to find everything except hulled pumpkin seeds. From there I ran home to take the groceries in, take out the garbage (the dumpster is a good distance from my apartment, and it's difficult to take the garbage out with the baby), ran to target to purchase ramekins, and finally picked up my daughter. We still had one more place to go, so we hit up the exotic grocery store to find the hulled pumpkin seeds. I was trying to balance a cake in one hand, a baby in the other, and my wallet and keys all at the same time when a nice gentlemen let me go ahead of him in line. Thank God for small blessings.
Once arriving home, however, the day wasn't over yet. I fed the baby some cereal and peas (did not go over well) nursed her, and put her to bed. Then I had to eat dinner, sanitize her bottles from today, do the dishes, and try to get the poop stains out of the clothing she wore today. I managed to write a few quick little blogs, I will go take a shower, and then it will be bed time.
It's been a long exhausting day... but we're going to celebrate around her!
I went to work in the morning, and then spent my lunch hour speeding across town to drop off my time sheets at the mortgage company so they can process my loan. (Fingers Crossed!!) After returning to work I thankfully discovered that we had no students this afternoon and would be released early. I was so happy, as shopping with the baby is a nightmare. Once we were released I ran to the commissary (and ran into friends!) to get the ingredients on my list. I was able to find everything except hulled pumpkin seeds. From there I ran home to take the groceries in, take out the garbage (the dumpster is a good distance from my apartment, and it's difficult to take the garbage out with the baby), ran to target to purchase ramekins, and finally picked up my daughter. We still had one more place to go, so we hit up the exotic grocery store to find the hulled pumpkin seeds. I was trying to balance a cake in one hand, a baby in the other, and my wallet and keys all at the same time when a nice gentlemen let me go ahead of him in line. Thank God for small blessings.
Once arriving home, however, the day wasn't over yet. I fed the baby some cereal and peas (did not go over well) nursed her, and put her to bed. Then I had to eat dinner, sanitize her bottles from today, do the dishes, and try to get the poop stains out of the clothing she wore today. I managed to write a few quick little blogs, I will go take a shower, and then it will be bed time.
It's been a long exhausting day... but we're going to celebrate around her!
What I am
Being a single mom has made me...
... more patient
... less compassionate (if I can do this, why can't you?)
... stronger emotionally
... better at financial management
... able to prioritize more efficiently
... manage my time better
... a kid at heart
... physically stronger, if not yet in better shape that I was pre-pregnancy
... pessimistic about my love life
... realize what I want in a man
... tired
... more patient
... less compassionate (if I can do this, why can't you?)
... stronger emotionally
... better at financial management
... able to prioritize more efficiently
... manage my time better
... a kid at heart
... physically stronger, if not yet in better shape that I was pre-pregnancy
... pessimistic about my love life
... realize what I want in a man
... tired
Around a year later...
I started this blog a year ago for my friends and family that were far away, so that they could experience my pregnancy along with me. My ex wasn't supportive of it, and since I already had a private personal blog I decided not to continue this one at that time. Now I'm starting over... on many levels. Most of you reading this will already know my story - but for those new people I'm going to provide a brief synopsis. Before I do so, I'm going to say this: I offer no explanations or apologies. I may offer explanations so my readers can understand my choices, but they aren't to justify my actions. I am no longer ashamed of what I have done, and my life is payment enough. I love my daughter and I'm happy, but our life isn't easy.
I found out I was pregnant in Iraq, I had been dating the father of my child for about two months and was convinced we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was madly in love with him, and couldn't imagine my life without him. We came home in december, when I was approximately two months pregnant. We moved in together, and things were going great. Then he went through a change when I was about 7 months pregnant. I wasn't the only one to notice or comment on it... but I was the only one to suffer from it. He decided then that he no longer wanted to be with me. He also decided he didn't want to be a part of his daughters life. I had the child, took a job across the country, and shortly after she was born we moved to a new state and a new job. Her father changed his mind about his involvement, and has seen her three times now.
I've chosen to start this blog again, mostly as an outlet for myself. Though I am able to comfortably provide for my daughter and I, it's a very difficult life - and I hope that my story will convince others (especially young women) to think about the consequences of their actions. My daughter is the light of my life, but there are times that I regret not having the freedom and the ability to achieve some of my other dreams. My little girl has to come first.
I found out I was pregnant in Iraq, I had been dating the father of my child for about two months and was convinced we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was madly in love with him, and couldn't imagine my life without him. We came home in december, when I was approximately two months pregnant. We moved in together, and things were going great. Then he went through a change when I was about 7 months pregnant. I wasn't the only one to notice or comment on it... but I was the only one to suffer from it. He decided then that he no longer wanted to be with me. He also decided he didn't want to be a part of his daughters life. I had the child, took a job across the country, and shortly after she was born we moved to a new state and a new job. Her father changed his mind about his involvement, and has seen her three times now.
I've chosen to start this blog again, mostly as an outlet for myself. Though I am able to comfortably provide for my daughter and I, it's a very difficult life - and I hope that my story will convince others (especially young women) to think about the consequences of their actions. My daughter is the light of my life, but there are times that I regret not having the freedom and the ability to achieve some of my other dreams. My little girl has to come first.
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