The Roads We Choose To Take

So last night Daphne and I were up late with a friend. The friend from my previous post. The one I'm harboring feelings for... but can do nothing about.

I don't remember exactly what I put in the last post, but for those that may scream "tell him how you feel! take initiative! take charge!" I've done that. I told him how I felt immediately after he told me that he wanted to pursue something with the other woman. Not that we were bound to one another or anything, just spending time together. Which we still do... it's just different now.

We were up talking, about a little of everything last night. Eventually the conversation meandered towards him and I, as it always does when I'm a little down. It tied in, because I was talking about how I felt like a disposable girlfriend. That's who I've been to everyone it seems... my ex-husband, and the other two serious guys I dated. He asked if I felt like he was disposing of me, to which I replied no. I just felt like he was trading up, from a casual relationship to a serious one. We discussed it a little bit more, and he reiterated what he told me before, which I just wasn't ready to hear at the time. It's good that he told me again, I was able to absorb more of it this time.

Basically it boils down to this. He has never let himself get into a serious relationship with someone who has a child. If he hadn't set that standard previously for himself, it would be the ideal situation. My child is young, her father isn't really a part of her life, he cares about me, and he could convince me to have another child down the road. But because he's never allowed himself to get involved with someone who has a child, he would feel as though he were settling. Not settling on me, but settling on my situation. He's always held himself to that higher standard of not getting involved with people who were divorced, or had children. I've had both. Because he would feel like he was settling for my situation, he wouldn't be able to commit to me in the way that he should. He would always be one foot out the door. Additionally, there is way to much time and history between us. We've been friends for years, no one has been in my life as long as he has. We have met each others families (who are totally on my side as far as I can tell! Lol!) We have a history, and we help each other out, we are always there for one another. This means that we could never have that casual, "lets see if things work out" relationship that most people start out with. We would have to be all in. This is how I understood what he explained to me.

Here are my thoughts, he may be completely honest about this. In which case, there is a possibility that at some point he is able to look beyond the rules that he has imposed for himself and be able to open himself up to a relationship. Or, he's telling me this because the depth of his feelings for me have never matched how I feel about him, and he doesn't want to hurt me. Either way, it's a bad place to be.

On a lighter, and happier note, I currently weigh less than I did 2 years ago, and I'm only 5 lbs away from meeting my goal!