Baby, Boys, and the Blues

Having a baby severely impacts your love life. Not just for single moms, I wasn't single when I got pregnant. I wasn't single through most of my pregnancy - and the baby affected our relationship. It destroyed it actually. Honestly, if I didn't love her so much there would be a part of me that resented her. After all, I was happier than I've ever been - before I got pregnant. Having a child destroyed us.

Anyway, so recently things have been a little haywire. I still struggle with the feelings that I have for Daphne's father. When he's nice, he's wonderful - but when he's an ass he's horrid. He will go for weeks ignoring me completely, and then decide he still loves me. I'm really getting sick of the whole hot and cold thing. I know it's over between us, but there's a part of me that's just not over him yet. He recently dropped the bombshell on me that he's moved on. He's met someone else. This infuriates me for several reasons - one, because it's so easy for him. Two, because who are these women that have no problem falling in love with a man that walked out on his family?? It shouldn't be so easy for him!?!

He's not the only guy to get me down recently. To my surprise, I recently discovered that I harbor feelings for a friend of mine. He's someone who has been there for me for years, someone I can tell anything and everything to, and who is amazing with my child. Watching him hold her breaks my heart, because it's the type of relationship I wish she had consistently. She adores him, she lights up when she sees him. He's made the comment previously that he has to like her, because she's mine. But that man goes straight for the baby when we're around. He talks to her, plays with her, walks her... it's incredible to see them together. I care about him for many other reasons, I have for years - and those feelings may have been dormant for awhile, but they've never really gone away. We agreed when I came down here that we shouldn't date, in fact - he told me not to fall in love with him. Now he's exploring things with someone new. I care about him enough to want him to be happy, but there is a part of me that hopes that this new relationship crashes and burns. Totally selfish, because I honestly don't think it would change things.

There is a part of me that wonders if maybe I care about him because he's unavailable. He's off limits. As long as I care about him, I can't get involved with someone who may hurt me. It may be a good defense mechanism. I know the last time I was getting over someone I got involved with someone who only liked me when I wasn't interested in him, and I was only interested in him when he wasn't interested. So I already have a history of this, and during this same period of time I had developed feelings for this same friend who at the time lived very far away - so once again, he was unavailable. So either I use my feelings for him to keep from getting involved with someone else, or it's like the movie Definitely, Maybe - and we just haven't had our time yet. If we ever do.

Being a single mom is a very lonely existence.